Friday, May 16, 2014

I think that I wonder

I didn't watch a minute of Yojimbo. Too much reading involved for a movie.

I sat in class and looked at the screen but didn't see any Japanese guys fighting each other. I just sat there and watched the inner workings of my mind go through topic upon topic for two class periods. 

It's a skill. I am almost certain. Being able to focus in on your own thoughts so well that nothing around you could phase you is in fact a huge feat. I get a lot of serious thinking done, like serious beyond serious. It's so serious that no one would believe that those are my thoughts.

Sometimes I think about the world and how no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to save it. No matter what I do to motivate myself and others, it will always be the way it is as long as we are the people we are. The idea of a massive wave of change is not even possible in my mind because people are the worst. And I dwell on that for some time until I get into another topic.

Often, I think about school, but not the place I go now because there is little reason for me to continue to think of a place where I'm almost gone from. I think of my future school of UCI and whether or not I am going to like it or the people that go there. (There is a UCI page and it is turning me off of almost any person that has posted on it because they are not using the page to have questions answered as it was intended). I feel like the people are going to be weird, but on the other hand I feel like some of them could potentially become my friends. And then I also wonder if I am going to a find a place where I am going to fit in or am I going to be a loser commuter. And I dwell on that for some time until I get into another topic.

There are times when I think about things I shouldn't think about. I think about napkins that I had drawn cartoons on and where they are now. I wonder if I had kept swimming if I would be better friends with people. Sometimes I think about my favorite night at In-n-Out where I was crazy and tired and you were the only person there to me. Sometimes I wonder how weird we looked on that bus on the way home from that game with our bleach blond hair. I wonder if I had been there the whole time, where we would stand now. I wonder what would happen if I told you that you deserve happiness for the rest of your life. I wonder if you will read this because I don't know if I want you to or not. I wonder if I could think of any other way to say I wonder.

My mind is always running, which is probably why I am always so drained. I think more than I should, but I feel like that is alright because I am alright with that. I think that I wonder on my pier. What will you think that you wonder on your pier?