Tuesday, December 3, 2013

To eat or not to eat


Man is it good. But at times, some people do not want to eat. It is alright if it is every once in a while, but if it is a constant feeling, there might be a problem. And if it is a problem, you might not be able to see it. Those around you will only notice if you make a point of it or they realize that you are losing weight at a rapid rate. It's hard to watch. It's hard to hear. It's hard to bear.

Seeing someone decide to not eat is painful, especially when you have as large of an appetite as me. Each day, they don't find appeal in foods they once loved. Then they get upset because they cannot eat even if they really want to deep down. It's hard to watch. It's hard to hear. It's hard to bear.

Doctors can only help so much, it is up to you to do the rest and fight for your life. But negative thoughts can hinder your recovery. The constant idea of dying is always on their mind. When they are upset, they scream it at the top of their lungs because their pain is unbearable. It's hard to watch. It's hard to hear. It's hard to bear.

When someone you love is suffering from stomach ailments and depression, you can't help but tearing up whenever someone mentions suicide because in your house, it could become a reality. In senior thus far, I have heard and learned about suicide more than I have had in my past. It could not have come at any worse of a time. The topic of depression and suicide make me worried. Watching videos and reading about it makes me terrified. But the worst part is coming home, wondering if it had taken over. It's hard to watch. It's hard to hear. It's hard to bear.

The first time that I heard a glimpse of real depression just about broke me. At first, I thought their actions were just disrespectful. Then I learned, they had more substance than I thought. When I hear outbursts of the cloud, I think back to that first moment and remember that pang of Hell that I had experienced. No one should have to see or experience these pains, but in our imperfect world it is a given. A given that I never would have thought could happen in my world. It's hard to watch. It's hard to hear. It's hard to bear.

I cannot say anything. I watch what I say, so a beast is not woken. I wonder if when I tiptoe, they can hear that I am not being real with them. It hurts me to not be me when I am around the cloud. To tempt the storm would be to release the emotions that could end the storm for good. I do not dare to tempt the tempest. I miss how we once were even if we fought most of the time. But I didn't have to pretend most of the time. I could be me and they could destroy me with harsh comments, but that was a better time than this. At least then, I was the one getting hurt. It's hard to watch. It's hard to hear. It's hard to bear.


"To be or not to be" is a quote that means more to me now than ever before. Hamlet may have said them, but he never had to feel their pain. It is one thing to contemplate life when you are a fictional character, but when you are real, it literally destroys everyone in your life. Hamlet isn't real, but his words almost seem to publicize the idea that contemplating life is a necessity when things get tough in life. I did not realize until this point in typing that his words actually make me mad. I imagine that suicide was not as common as it is today, but I could be wrong. This play, this character made suicide an option for those dealing with depression. If these words had never been scripted, far fewer people would even consider taking their own lives. How can this be a question? To be is the only option because life can only get better as long as you can see it that way. Hamlet may have been depressed by his situation, but he does not need to contemplate taking his life. He is a prince who is sad. He is not a man with problems deeper than an abyss. It's possible for him to have saw a light at the end of his misery. He need not say his famous lines because now, it's a common thought in depressed people. Thanks a lot Hamlet. You make families fall to pieces. You made people who were shining stars in their own ways burn out before their time was up. You are the reason that heart strings are pulled, torn, and  thrashed. Your words have made depression worse than it has to be, and for that I dislike you. It's hard to read.

(Don't mind the spanish subtitles)

This hurts me so bad. The one suffering does not realize that they are making the ones around them suffer as well. To watch someone with depression is comparable to watching a soldier walking through a field of mines. One wrong step and they can be gone. But we always hope that the soldier finds their way to the safety of the meadow. We try to help, but sometimes we need to be quiet. We need to help, but sometimes we are thrown aside. We aspire to help, but sometimes it works. There are times where things seem almost normal and times where you just want to cry. We hope that love and patience can make good days last longer. Some days, its just not possible no matter how hard you try. What we must remember is that Hamlet's words are only words. When those words become actions is where we lose. We cannot let that happen. Keep fighting and cheering for them, even if they do not want to hear it. Because you know that life is beautiful and one day they will remember that. This is what I see from my pier, I hope you do not see the same.

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