Monday, January 13, 2014

Keeping me up

I hate going to bed past 9:30. It is unnatural to me. But some nights, sleeping is a hard task to do before 1 AM. Kind of like tonight, or should I say this morning.

Victor Frankenstein was kept up for his quest to animate his monster. I am kept up by my thoughts. If only they were as productive as Victor's findings. But they must be significant if they are keeping me up.

I have to be up in 5 hours to go to morning practice. Tonight I will have fewer than five hours of sleep. I usually run on 9 hours or more of sleep a night which is a rare phenomenon for high school students. It's starting to become a dream that I wish to obtain. 

Maybe too much is changing. I'm deciding on where I am going to college next year and I constantly think about that. Also, I only have a few more weeks of water polo left and I'm thinking more and more about that. Finals are coming up in a week and let's be honest, I'm probably not ready for them. There is also a boy on my mind, but let me not bore you with that notion. Yet there must be something more that's affecting more than I realize...

But I cannot speak of it even if there was something else going on in my life that is causing me to stay up into the wee hours of the night. I am not allowed to, or rather I do not trust anyone enough to tell them. It's hard living with something you cannot share with those that you share most of your time with. 

Sometimes I just want to break down and leave my life for the beach or drive all the way to Hayward to see my sister. But I can't. I have to live my life on fewer hours of sleep and keep a strong face. People look up to me to lead them through the roughest of waters, literally. I'm probably making this sound worse than it is, but when you are awake at 12 in the morning you tend to be a little more dramatic than you need to be. 

I'm okay. I'm dealing. I'm just tired and want to sleep for a couple of weeks. That's not gonna happen though. I hope that with each passing day, things will get better. But recently, they do not seem to be doing so. Some days are better than others, there's no doubt. Then there are days when the gates of Hell are opened and a parade of demons are lighting up your mind at night provoking thoughts upon thoughts. Some of these thoughts scare you and make you sit up in bed. I just want to sleep without worries. It's a lot to ask, but I'm hoping I'm worthy of such a favor. 

If you're reading this, don't worry about me. All I am losing at this moment is sleep and I am grateful that is all. I could be losing so much more. This is what I saw on my pier on this morning, what will you see on yours?

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