Keeping me up

I hate going to bed past 9:30. It is unnatural to me. But some nights, sleeping is a hard task to do before 1 AM. Kind of like tonight, or should I say this morning.

Victor Frankenstein was kept up for his quest to animate his monster. I am kept up by my thoughts. If only they were as productive as Victor's findings. But they must be significant if they are keeping me up.

I have to be up in 5 hours to go to morning practice. Tonight I will have fewer than five hours of sleep. I usually run on 9 hours or more of sleep a night which is a rare phenomenon for high school students. It's starting to become a dream that I wish to obtain. 

Maybe too much is changing. I'm deciding on where I am going to college next year and I constantly think about that. Also, I only have a few more weeks of water polo left and I'm thinking more and more about that. Finals are coming up in a week and let's be honest, I'm probably not ready for them. There is also a boy on my mind, but let me not bore you with that notion. Yet there must be something more that's affecting more than I realize...

But I cannot speak of it even if there was something else going on in my life that is causing me to stay up into the wee hours of the night. I am not allowed to, or rather I do not trust anyone enough to tell them. It's hard living with something you cannot share with those that you share most of your time with. 

Sometimes I just want to break down and leave my life for the beach or drive all the way to Hayward to see my sister. But I can't. I have to live my life on fewer hours of sleep and keep a strong face. People look up to me to lead them through the roughest of waters, literally. I'm probably making this sound worse than it is, but when you are awake at 12 in the morning you tend to be a little more dramatic than you need to be. 

I'm okay. I'm dealing. I'm just tired and want to sleep for a couple of weeks. That's not gonna happen though. I hope that with each passing day, things will get better. But recently, they do not seem to be doing so. Some days are better than others, there's no doubt. Then there are days when the gates of Hell are opened and a parade of demons are lighting up your mind at night provoking thoughts upon thoughts. Some of these thoughts scare you and make you sit up in bed. I just want to sleep without worries. It's a lot to ask, but I'm hoping I'm worthy of such a favor. 

If you're reading this, don't worry about me. All I am losing at this moment is sleep and I am grateful that is all. I could be losing so much more. This is what I saw on my pier on this morning, what will you see on yours?

How a monster is unleashed

Victor Frankenstein was excited when he figured out how to animate a creature. But right after his monster was created, he was terrified and felt that what he did was a huge mistake.

Animation was what released the beast from his worst fears. But how did he figure out how to animate his creature? What turned a lifeless gump of body into a moving monster? No one knows how everything can drastically change in a moment.

There are many things I don't understand and will never understand. My ponderment for the day is how a person can turn into a monster in a matter of moments. When a person makes that change, their actions are irrational and hurtful. All we want is peace and all they want is war. Only time can calm the beast.

There are people who snap when the littlest things go wrong. To most people, they are considered dramatic and irrational. To the very few, they are understood to be troubled. When little things go wrong and you react in a way that makes you a monster, there might be something wrong with your way of thinking. In psychology, we learned that depressed people have a smaller scope on life and that even the smallest things can have the most detrimental affects on their days. This is not only a matter for depressed people, but also for those who are stressed or in an off mood. I remember I had a meltdown once because I had forgotten my Chapstick. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it happened. That morning I had an upsetting discussion with my coach which made me angry and I couldn't just slam lockers. I held in my frustration for a couple of minutes and then when I had realized I had forgotten my Chapstick, I broke. I slid down my locker in tears. But I needed that emotional release in order to feel better. But is that why others become a beast over insignificant ordeals?

I cannot answer this question. For me, crying is a better release than yelling, yet I continue to do both anyways. Sometimes I transform into this monster that you would not dare touch with a million foot pole in fear of creating a ferocious beast that will devour your soul with all of your hopes and dreams. It's a little dramatic, but I'm almost certain that everyone has those moments. 

So how do those moments happen? I've probably asked this question ten thousand times already, but I really don't know the answer. Monster moments can be terrible. The only way to stop them would be to first understand them. It is so difficult to understand someone who is in a monster state because they don't want to talk, they want to unleash their inner frustrations. 

Maybe the only way to help reduce the severity of monster moments is through preventative action. Just talking to a friend about frustrations could help or even seeking professional help if needed. Getting a person to talk is much easier than getting an upset monster to talk. If you know a monster, talk to them and ask them how they are. Crack a joke or watch a funny movie with them to lighten the mood. With studying this in English classes over the years, I know that the mood carries the scene. 

Monsters are mysterious and at times harmful. Let's tame the beasts inside us to prevent is from hurting the ones we love. A moment can change us, let's hope for the best. This is what I saw from my pier today, what will you see from yours?