Wednesday, April 9, 2014
There is a fire. It is slowly coming closer. I am moving nowhere. I am frozen.
There is a spark inside of me to do something, but I know that I cannot. I am stuck in my heart. No matter what I would do, I could not stop the fire from burning everything that I love. I cannot put out the fire with a bucket of water because the water is tainted. It is tainted with kerosene. If I were to pour it on the fire, it would get worse beyond belief and nothing would be the same. So I just sit there.
I sit there, waiting for the flames to lick my skin before I cannot take it anymore. Smoke is filling my lungs. It is hard to breathe, but I just sit there hoping that the fire will settle. But I know it won't settle. It is a flame that does not stop because it doesn't wish to stop.
The fire has started to burn my skin. I have blisters forming. They are fill with heartbreak as I could not save the fire from itself. The fire is supposed to burn, but where should the line be drawn? When it has torched everything that I care about? Everything that I know? Everything that used to put the fire out?
I am engulfed by the flames. The fire is not stopping. It does not care if it hurts me or anyone else. The fire is a monster at this point, burning and burning all things in its path. Nothing has a chance. Nothing has a chance to say a last word before it is ashes.
You want to understand why the flame keeps burning. You want to know how to control the flame, but you may never know. The flame is too wild to tame. The flame will never obey the commands of nature. It will burn until it burns itself out. The flame feeds itself and twists your words against you, making you the new kindling. There is no way to extinguish the flame. You know that because you have tried everything.
I am still sitting in the same spot. My body is charred and my heart is well done. No amount of burn cream will be able to repair my sores. How long can I sit here, waiting for the fire to be done burning me? How can I take everything that it is doing to my life? How am I able to breathe anymore with the toxicity of its smoke crowding my lungs?
I do not know.
The fire burns on.
The fire is not me. The fire is not you. The fire is a being that has no control over itself. The fire is fueled by the kindling that he provides. He can use what he will to eternalize his mania. He cannot see what he is burning through the smoke. He is so big that everything that used to matter to him is so small. He is still here.
And so am I.