Tied together with a lie

What if we lived in a world where we could not feel the way the wanted to feel? What if we couldn't think the way we wanted to think? What if we couldn't tell people what we wanted to tell them?

What if we live in that world?

Each time words spill from my mouth, they are filtered. They are filtered for profanity, racism, offensive comments, and for the truth. Most of the time, I speak in a circular lie because there is no way I can tell the whole truth without crossing lines of decency. There are times when I get to be filterless, but those times are few and far between.

I try my best to be considerate. Consideration is a tricky subject. This allows people to walk all over you in the process. When I am driving, I am very considerate (or at least I think I am) but I draw a line to where consideration becomes unsafe for myself and my passengers. Sometimes, this rolls over to my real life. I try to be courteous; I try to not step over lines; I try to keep the peace. Yet somehow, I am unable to achieve those things.

To keep a peace, tiptoeing is necessary. You have to be fully aware with what you are dealing with even when you are not dealing with it. One wrong word can release the missiles; the missiles being aimed at you and every move you have ever made. To avoid this, you lie. The lie to the other person does not hurt as much as the lie to yourself. The lie is to protect them. The lie to yourself acts against your instincts unless your instincts are to lie, which may be so if you are accustomed to lying. The biggest lie is being sorry.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not actually sorry because you are wrong. You hurt me and I don't want to be sorry. I just want to be mad and vent about you to my pillow. My pillow is the only one who supports me these days." This is a feeling that so many teens feel at one time or another. But we cannot say this. If we say this, nothing is going to get better between us and our friends. We lose a friend because we are too self-centered. And then we complain about not having any friends, but that was all because we told the truth. The truth is a heartbreaker. We cannot afford to break our friends hearts because we need them for when others break our hearts. So how can we win?

A battle is won with a surrender. No matter how many bombs have been cast onto innocent people, there is always someone willing to surrender. However, to surrender is to lose and to be consumed with blame. No matter what they do to repair relations, it was their fault. They are the ones that admitted that they were wrong. They bit their tongue. They swallowed their pride. The world in turns swallows them. All they wanted was for the war to end and peace to arise. Yes, they may have done some wrong things, but so did the other side. No war is one sided no matter how hard you fight for that point to be made.

To salvage a friendship worth saving, a sorry can start the healing process. But sorrys lose their meaning when they are over used. A coach of mine once said that he would never say sorry to me because he did not love me and knew that it does not have meaning without love. So each time you say sorry you should ask yourself if you love the person enough to use this precious word. Even if you aren't sorry, the love you have for the other person should be enough for you to be willing to use it.

Sometimes my filter is clogged and has to be let out. Those are where the heartbreaks happen, but usually I can mend them. Hopefully there will be a day where the truth won't hurt and everyone can be real without the fear of tripping a booby trap. Until that day, my filter will have no rest.

This is what I was allowed to see on my pier. What are you allowed to see on yours?